For those of you that do not know my grandma was the most important person in the world to me. I was with her every summer and weekend growing up and sometimes the weekdays after school too. Every Holiday, Birthday and anything of that nature. I have other family of course but I am not nearly as close to them as I was her. When I started traveling for the occupation I have now I decided to continue residing in Indiana so that I could be close to her. Not much of any other reason to stay. I would come and see her as soon as I would arrive back in town. When I was out of town I would call and talk to her.
On July 7th I received a phone call around 3am that she was in the hospital from a heart attack. I rushed down to the ER and there she was sitting up in her bed like nothing had happened. Just happy to see me as usual. We talked until an ER nurse kicked me out and told me she had to rest. A few days later she was in a regular hospital room and received news that she should put a pacemaker in. The family talked her into it including me and a few days later she received the pacemaker. A few days after that she got sent home. She was home for almost a week when she had another heart attack that placed her back in the hospital. She went to ICU ( Intensive Care Unit) The day after she got to the hospital she had another heart attack. The day after that she had another. All of these together is four heart attacks in around two weeks. Her being in ICU killed me. She was only allowed visitors 5 times a day for half an hour at a time. I just wanted to stay and be with her all the time. Finally she got moved to a regular room. She had signed papers saying that if her condition worsens she does not want feeding tubes, ventilators, or any other method of life support. She decided if it was her time to go so be it.
Now that she was in a regular room I could stay day and night with her so I did. Each day she progressively got worse. The things I witnessed in that room will haunt me for the rest of my life but I refused to leave her side. Aside from her deteriorating health she grew scared, confused, weak and tired. One morning she just stopped breathing. That morning was July 28th 2008.
She was going to have the best seat in the church on my wedding day. She was going to be the first one besides my husband and I to hold my babies. She was going to be the first one to be invited over to my dream home. She was always my first choice in everything. I am so lost now. When she died I feel like I died with her. I feel like any smile I give now will never be a genuine one for I will forever suffer and be unhappy. I know she wouldn’t live forever but I at least thought I could share the things listed above with her and now I never will.
I can’t believe I have just summed up these past few weeks of hell on earth into a few paragraphs but it will have to do for now. I will write more in detail soon. I am going to go now and wonder aimlessly through my house and stare at things that remind me of her.